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By skelph
#1269719
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next self generated mistake, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
By Aquachiefofficer
#1270369
2 young men decide they're going to make their fortunes in the retail trade.
They rent a shop on the high street and work all day painting it out and fitting in shelving for the merchandise.
By the end of the day they are both exhausted from the unaccustomed hard graft.
Just as they are getting ready to go home the door creaks open and a little old man pops his head through.
"What are you guys selling?" He asks.
One tired young man looks at the old man and sarcastically replies "a*rseholes!"
The old man glances around at the empty shelving and says "must have had a good day- you've only got 2 left" .
By Aquachiefofficer
#1270386
Just one more- the old ones deserve re-telling,

Engineers VS Philosophers

A group of 6 philosophy students at Oxford University decide to take a trip to London for the day to sample the culture etc.
On arrival at Oxford railway station they notice a group of 6 engineering students from their university ahead of them.
Only one of the engineers buys a ticket and they all proceed to the platform.
The philosophers all buy their tickets and follow the engineers to the platform.
When the train arrives all 6 engineers board the train. Tutting amongst themselves the philosophers smugly assure each other that the unprincipled engineers will be thrown from from the train and face hefty fines.
A short while after the train departs for London the ticket inspector is heard in the carriage ahead of them shouting "Tickets please!" Whereupon all the engineers rise and hurry to the toilet at the rear of the carriage, cram themselves in and lock the door.
The ticket inspector dutifully goes through the carriage punching tickets and when he notices the Engaged sign on the toilet door bangs on it and repeats his demand.
A single ticket slides out from under the door and is promptly punched and slid back with a polite thank you by the inspector.
Once the inspector has gone on to the next carriage all the engineers emerge and resume their seats.
On arrival in London the 2 groups go their separate ways for the day.
The philosophers return to the London station that evening to return to Oxford.
A few seconds later the engineers turn up behind them.
The philosophers having had a discussion during the day about the engineers have to reluctantly admit that the ploy worked and that they should try it themselves on the way home- after all they were impoverished students and their thoughts would guide the nation in future! So they bought only one ticket between them and proceeded to the platform.
The engineers behind them took note of what the philosophers had done and reviewed their options.
5 of the 6 engineers bought tickets and they all followed the philosophers onto the train
Shortly after the train departed for Oxford the ticket inspector was heard in the carriage ahead, upon which all the philosophers ran to the toilet and locked the door.
The engineer without a ticket immediately rose from his seat and banged on the toilet demanding to see a ticket.
Sure enough, a single ticket slid out from under the door, which the engineer immediately pocketed and returned to his seat----- just as the ticket inspector entered the carriage!

Knowledge for its own sake isn't neccesarily bad but practicality is usually better for coping with the real world.
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By sammy.se
#1270418
What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony.



What do you call a kebab flying through the air?
A heli-kofta



How many Germans (sorry!) does it take to change a light bulb?
[German accent] One. Ve are efficient and ve do not have sense of humour [/german accent]

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk
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By Robbo3
#1270612
A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.
By dzj
#1271799
Not a joke :)

Client: We need a dozen arch-top windows, about 4m2 each for a listed building. Can you have them painted and fitted in four weeks?
Me: ROFL
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By Bm101
#1271819
Robbo3 wrote:A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses.

I remember realising I was getting older for the first time, some time back, on a stag do at The Griffin on the Clerkenwell road, a pub of a certain persuasion. Think pound coins and pint jars.
'Excuse me love, do mind dancing somewhere else? I can't see the rugby with all that dangling about'
She wasn't pleased. We ended up round the corner at the Wetherspoons with a clearer if not better view.
14 year old me would have stabbed 38 year old me.
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By finneyb
#1274083
'I’m going to a fancy dress party later as a slice of bread, all the birds will love me'

Brian
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By Cordy
#1275129
If anything good comes out of global warming

it will be that in a few years, Dancing on Ice won't be on the Telly !!
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By Robbo3
#1275207
Rye Bread

Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He answered, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this dung but me!"
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By Cordy
#1276110
I visited a Faith Healer yesterday --- He was absolutely rubbish.

Even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out.
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By Cordy
#1277187
Mid-Wife for sale;

Can deliver
Last edited by Cordy on 12 Apr 2019, 11:56, edited 1 time in total.
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By Cordy
#1278846
Word of advice ....

If you invite Julian Assange around for tea --

Whatever you do

Don’t say “Make yourself at home”